Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we try and raise a baby.

Men and women lie to each other all of the time, it’s essential to the continuation of the human race. Lying to those you love the most is a concept invented by the Greeks shortly after they invented democracy.* I’m not talking about the big lies that warrant the label “cheating bastard” or worse, in today’s climate, “tax dodging, cheating bastard” but the romantically necessary fibs we must use to avoid a life of sleeping alone. Nice as that sounds to a sleep deprived parent.
Here are a few examples of the lies we told each other pre-baby to keep the love alive: “I’m only going for one,” “ She actually said that, that’s really interesting” and “Oh Wow! Wow! Wow!”
Since Kim-Yong -Just Turned-Un came along these love protecting fibs seem to have escalated to Walter White proportions. Having suffered with shingles (the modern-day leprosy), a face fungus and a torrent of daily shit storms, I am a little concerned that things are catching up with us. So here is my confession of the lies my husband and I tell each other and willingly believe since having a baby.  I would be lying if I said that this was all of them.
“I think the baby has just done a poo” 
This is usually used when one of us has been on our own with the baby and the other returns from the free world e.g. work, Sainsbury’s or the shower.  They then offer up “Oh I thought she might have, but I wasn’t sure.” as the paint stripper gun is produced to clean said poo.
Most women pre child-birth can pass wind undetected at their leisure. Its something they are all secretly quite proud of. However, once they enter motherhood this super power cruelly vanishes and leaves women up and down the country frantically googling symptoms of a prolapsed anus after Sunday lunch. Thank goodness for the inarticulate baby! I am lead to believe that this remedies itself over time but in hindsight I am not entirely sure that increased security was the main reason my Mum let us get a dog.
“I didn’t hear her crying”
At 3am most nights, we play a game called “Who can ignore the baby the longest” We jolt awake and cling to our side of the mattress wide-eyed and deathly still. We try not to breathe for fear of alerting our opponent to the fact we are awake. The game usually ends with me, Mum, launching myself out of bed when the neighbours windows start shaking and trundling off into the nursery cursing my life. The next morning, I get a consolatory “Sorry love, I didn’t hear her crying” and pat on the shoulder as he heads to the office. I get a cup of tea if he knows he has used his “But I’ve got work in the morning” trump card once too often.
“You still look great”
This is by far the most important lie to tell your wife or girlfriend after she has been ravaged by child-birth. The pressure of maintaining this little gem of a lie with any sincerity in our house has resulted in the new adaptation: “Well I still would.” A subtle bit of word play that any government Think Tank would be proud of. Sadly, even in it’s new, eloquent form, I fear it is a lie. At first I thought I was being over sensitive but we now seem to be having nightly races to switch off the lights. The other night he yelled out in fright that he had a head ache just because my varicose vein encrusted breast accidentally flopped against his elbow. In my defence it was pitch black.
“I think we are ready for another”
Neither of us truly believe this statement but on we go, blinded by our love. The reality is we are both a bit scared of what will become of us if our Supreme Leader’s authority goes unchallenged for much longer.
*I made this up. Sorry.

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